Memory and relationships

Author: Semyon Fast, Knei founder

Updated: 08.26.24

Woman touching her head, thinking. Illustration for "Memory and relationships" article of Knei Blog.

How does a human's memory shape relationships?

Hello! For this material, we raise a question: how does the human’s memory influences the relationships building? What memory aspects anticipate the connections with people in our network? And, finally: what can we do to adjust our relations, knowing these? Let’s take a look at studies and complement them by our practical considerations.

Remembering favors and obligations

Humans tend to form an usual attitude towards others — an expectation for reciprocity. We would rather communicate with a person who responds to our goodwill attempts than the one who doesn’t care about giving back, whether it is about the mutual favor or just maintaining conversation. Hence, we regularly practice the ability to keep track of favors done by us and debts taken upon, which is determined by our capability to remember a series of actions [2].

Forgetting favors you did to other people may be fine if you are a giving type. Although forgetting obligations and debts can have lasting consequences on your reputation, if you fail to match them. Keeping the memories of how you can pay back helps you build reciprocal relations and maintain the reputation of a grateful person.

Long-term memory stores variety of moves

Long-term memory can provide us with more interpersonal activity options, research on artificial agents (!) shows [3]. For instance, the subjects with long-term memory demonstrated more strategies in prisoner’s dilemma resolution.

Since the variety of interpersonal activities pre-defines our choice of the most suitable moves, having a big “pool” of actions is a helpful memory function.

Initial expectations

Expectations about a person can influence what is remembered about that individual after an initial interaction. We might better remember people who contradict our initial expectations [4]. This can be explained by the increased mental processing time to “find a place” for this person in our system of values.

Put some extra effort into getting to know people who align with your views. Contradictory people may drive your attention, but it’s not always helpful.

Better memory for "cheaters"

The negative impressions might also serve as the cause of the improved recall [5]. For instance, the faces of people labelled as untrustworthy at the moment of exposure stay in the memory longer than the trustworthy faces [6].

This effect can be described as an "evolutionary mechanism." By default, our brain focusses on the faces of "foes". It is very effective when threat recognition matters. But in a social setting, remembering potential friends may be even more crucial for survival.

Accessibility of related information

Recently received information affects how we evaluate the person’s behaviour. The study [7] suggests that the focus on particular characteristics (kindness or hostility) before the introduction of another person’s actions can shape how we interpret them. The less the delay between the priming information and the actual introduction, the more the evaluation can be biased towards the primed trait. In other words, if you read about bad deeds, you are more likely to see them in others' actions!

Before meeting people, ask yourself: What values do you like to see in person? That way, it will be easier to focus on important aspects from the first moments of conversation.

These were some of the memory operation phenomena observed through various studies. Pick the ones you personally feel susceptible to and stay mindful of them while connecting with other people. Thank you!

References