Introduction
Hello! In this material, we cover the topic of conversation building. Or, more specifically:
- why you might engage in the conversation with another person
- what conversation starters to pick
Let’s start with the term. According to the academic definition, “conversation is the primary basis of direct social relations between persons. As a process occurring in real-time, conversation constitutes a reciprocal and rhythmic interchange of verbal emissions. It is a sharing process which develops a common social experience.”[1]
The key words here are “basis of direct social relations.” Indeed, the conversation is the number one method to build interpersonal relations that can enrich our personal lives and benefit careers. To start and hold conversations effectively, begin with the “why”.
Why talk to a person?
Understanding the personal objectives leads to concise talks. Do you understand what you want from the conversation, at least superficially? Conversation with an intention behind it will be useful to at least one side and relatively fair for another. There are some goals of conversation the person might pursue:
- To obtain information.
- To transfer information.
- To ask for an action.
- To perform a transaction (i.e. a standard set of actions with an expected result).
- To remind the person about ourselves.
- To create the fact of the talk (i.e. meta-message to establish relation).
In this edition, they are not mutually exclusive but cover basic goals we might want to achieve by starting a conversation.
Explicit and implicit motives to start a conversation.
Motives are combined intentions that you pass within your conversation. This is a subtle yet most important part that makes the conversation work. Every person engaging in conversation has some intentions and expectations of what they want from this conversation, based on the basic activities mentioned above. These intentions may be explicitly or implicitly formulated.
For explicit motivation, the person recognizes what they want to do and why. For example, I ask my roommate who returned from the shop if it’s cold outside to pick the outfit. If somebody asks, I can explain that reason with no hesitation.
With implicit reasons, some of the intentions behind conversation may not be recognized by the speaker.
For instance, a person asks the question at the conference. Their pronounced intention is, obviously, to get an answer. But an implicit reason could be that they want to introduce themselves to the speaker and the audience by the intelligent question.
That way, every conversation is a unique mixture of explicit and implicit messages passed to another person. And they might perceive in a completely different manner.
Asymmetric conversation perception
What’s peculiar is that intentions you communicate may not be understood by another person in the same manner you see them. The person may either “read” it superficially or too in-depth. That’s why the conversation might take an unexpected direction or even end early on.
For example, you approach the person at a public event. You would like to have nothing more than a casual conversation to pass the time. But their goal is to meet new people in their professional field. Once they find out what you are working on, they might casually end the conversation. It doesn’t mean they haven’t liked you, their intentions were just different from yours.
Conversation starters (aka things to talk about)
Where to get conversation ideas? Two words: use context. Good convo starters are, in fact, the primary occasions to draw the attention of the person. Using the environment and traits you both share is the best way to pick a starter.
Maybe you are hiding from the rain at the bus stop, attending the event, or meeting at the shop. Here is a table with some ideas for conversation starters you can use when picking a subject to talk about (if you read from smartphone, better rotate the screen to display properly):
Where? \ Who?
The closest circle
Friend
Peer
Acquaintance
New person
Occasionally (at the street, shop, etc.)
“Do you need help?”
“What are you doing here?”, “What are you up to?”
Ask about common stuff
“What a coincidence, nice to see you!”, “How have you been?”
Any context that draws both attention: weather, scene, incident, etc.
At the party
---
“What’s up?”, <shared interest you have or whatever, keep it simple>
“It’s so great to see you here! Let’s go do/get something”
How do you like the place? What music do you prefer?
Context: music, place, appearance, etc.
At any formal event: lecture, conference
---
“What are you doing here?”
“What are you doing here?”, “Do you often visit such events?”
“What do you like here?”, “What do you expect from the event?”
Context: lecture topic, venue, shared acquaintance.
Online chat
“How have you been?”, “How’s your mood / health / work etc.”
Send any piece of content on mutual topic: meme, news, etc.
Send any relevant content to your shared experience.
Tell what do you want, why person might be interested; “How have you been?”
Provide reaching out context: intro, what do you want, why person might be interested
How to read the table: to get the conversation topic, choose the cell at the cross-section of the column (person) and row (place).
Looking from right to left, things to talk about go from superficial to personal topics. That means you can use all the topics to the right of the current cell, talking to the person — they likely to come out as relevant.
Of course, these settings and relationship combinations are far from comprehensive. Nevertheless, they provide some ideas you could apply in the specific situation. Remember, that conversation starters must be relevant on the superficial, context layer, but then the further interaction happens according to motives perceived by another person too.
References
- Allen, D. E., & Guy, R. F. (1974). Conversation analysis: The sociology of talk. Mouton; pg. 11.
- Author observations and notes.
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