Hello! In this material, we cover a conversation building. Or, more specifically:
- why you might engage in the conversation with another person
- what conversation starters to pick
Let’s start with the term. According to the academic definition, “conversation is the primary basis of direct social relations between persons. As a process occurring in real-time, conversation constitutes a reciprocal and rhythmic interchange of verbal emissions. It is a sharing process which develops a common social experience.”[1]
The key words here are “basis of direct social relations.” Indeed, the conversation is the number one method to build interpersonal relationships that can enrich our individual lives and benefit careers. To start and hold conversations effectively, begin with the “why”.
Why talk to a person?
Understanding the personal goals and needs leads to mindful communication. Do you understand what you want from the conversation, at least superficially? A conversation with an intention behind it will be useful for you at least. And if you let another person know, it will be fair for them as well. There are some conversation goals we came up with:
- To obtain information.
- To transfer information.
- To ask for an action.
- To perform a transaction (i.e. a standard set of actions with an expected result).
- To remind the person about ourselves.
- To create the fact of the talk (i.e. meta-message to establish relation).
For this edition, these statements are not mutually exclusive but cover basic goals we might achieve by starting a conversation.
Explicit and implicit motives to start a conversation.
Motives are complex intentions that you pass within your conversation. This is a subtle yet the most important part that makes the conversation work.
Every person engaging in conversation has some intentions and expectations. These intentions may be formulated explicitly or implicitly.
For explicit motivation, the person recognizes what they want to do and why. For example, I ask my roommate, who returned from the store, if it’s cold outside to pick the outfit. That's a clear reason; I can explain that with no hesitation.
With implicit reasons, some of the intentions behind conversation may not be recognized by the speaker. For instance, a person asks the question at the conference. Their obvious intention is to get an answer. But an implicit reason is that they want to introduce themselves to the speaker and the audience through the intelligent question.
That way, every conversation is a unique mixture of explicit and implicit messages passed to another person. And they might be perceived in a completely different manner.
Asymmetric conversation
There is a peculiar thing about any conversation. Intentions you express may not be perceived by another person differently. The person may either understand them superficially or attribute too much weight to some details. That’s why the conversation might take an unexpected direction or even end early.
For example, you approach the person at a public event. You would like to have just a casual conversation to pass the time. But their goal is to meet new people in their professional field. Once they find out what you are working on, they might casually end the conversation. It doesn’t mean they haven’t liked it, their intentions were just different from yours.
Conversation starters (topics to talk about)
Where to get conversation ideas? Two words: use context. Good conversation starters are, in fact, the basic excuses to draw the attention of the person.
Using the shared environment and background is the best way to pick a starter. Maybe you are hiding from the rain at the bus stop, attending the event, or occasionally stumbling into each other on the street. Or, meeting in one of the environments mentioned in our "How to find friends?" article.
Here is a table with some conversation starters you can use when picking a topic to talk about:
Where? \ Who?
The closest circle
Friend
Peer
Acquaintance
New person
Occasionally (at the street, shop, etc.)
“Do you need help?”
“What are you doing here?”, “What are you up to?”
Ask about common stuff
“What a coincidence, nice to see you!”, “How have you been?”
Any context that draws both attention: weather, scene, incident, etc.
At the party
---
“What’s up?”, <shared interest you have or whatever, keep it simple>
“It’s so great to see you here! Let’s go do/get something”
How do you like the place? What music do you prefer?
Context: music, place, appearance, etc.
At any formal event: lecture, conference
---
“What are you doing here?”
“What are you doing here?”, “Do you often visit such events?”
“What do you like here?”, “What do you expect from the event?”
Context: lecture topic, venue, shared acquaintance.
Online chat
“How have you been?”, “How’s your mood / health / work etc.”
Send any piece of content on mutual topic: meme, news, etc.
Send any relevant content to your shared experience.
Tell what do you want, why person might be interested; “How have you been?”
Provide reaching out context: intro, what do you want, why person might be interested
How to read the table: to get the conversation topic, choose the cell at the cross-section of the column (person) and row (place).
Looking from right to left, things to talk about go from superficial to personal topics. That means you can use all the topics to the right of the current cell, talking to the person — they likely to come out as relevant.
These settings and relationship combinations are far from comprehensive. Nevertheless, they provide some ideas you could apply in the specific situation.
Remember, that the main quality of a conversation starter is that it should be relevant on the superficial, context level. The further interaction happens according to motives perceived by another person too.
References
- Allen, D. E., & Guy, R. F. (1974). Conversation analysis: The sociology of talk. Mouton; pg. 11.
- Author observations and notes.
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